|Fifteen ways not get to Edinburgh
||[Aug. 4th, 2009|11:26 am]
By Phil King
The following is a comprehensive account of how not to journey from your starting point to your ultimate Fringe destination. I fully appreciate only the idiotic or incredibly unlucky would ever experience such a list of tragedy in the pursuit of what is a seemingly simple task. But apparently there are such people out there...
1. Get stuck in traffic on your way to pick up your van.
2. Find your van is, in fact, in Reading and will only be with you in an hour.
3. Take a smaller van, try to load up all your set, find it won't fit, then return to pick up the original van, now back from Reading.
4. Try and leave the car (you drove over to collect your van and set in) in a friend's garage; a garage only 9cms wider than your car - meaning crawling out of the sun-roof after the miracle that was you fitting it in without scratches.
5. Organise to pick someone up from an M6 service station when the M6 is blocked-up and backed-up with an accident.
6. Have your petrol light go on in the middle of a long, scenic Scottish road.
7. Presume that the next petrol station is doing well enough in these poor economic times to be open.
8. Drive 5 miles out of your way to get fuel.
9. Put significantly more fuel in than you need to get to Edinburgh and return the van at the same level you hired it.
10. Be called up by a cast member informing you their leg is broken.
11. Have your 'phone battery die mid-conversation.
12. Ring back on another 'phone and have it all turn out to just be a joke.
13. Arrive and find Edinburgh's roads to be in one-way chaos on Princes St because of the trams and not be able to park outside your flat to unload.
14. Be threatened with the police by a resident for unloading stuff at your venue.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly:
15. Forget the height of your van and puncture and dent the roof in two different places on the way to dropping it off at your Scottish rental outlet.
Don't do any of that and you'll be just fine.
"Killing Alan" will be performing at the Underbelly's Big Belly, August 6-30 (not 18th) at 16:40. Box Office: Smirnoff Underbelly - 0844 545 8252 / www.underbelly.co.uk, www.roughfiction.com
"Life on the Fringe" index; Official Fringe site
If this is meant to be "observational comedy" I would suggest you don't hand your resignation letter in at MacDonalds just yet...
Just reality I'm afraid. The Golden Arches will have me safely in their grips a while longer.
Great news, I will look forward to your witty repartee next time I indulge in a Filet-o-Fish and a Hot Apple Pie!